Open Windows 101

The way I see it, life is much like looking into many open windows. Looking through these open windows can enable us much growth. Staying open to the world as we gaze into it's magic brings the world into clearer focus. Many times we are baffled by how others behave. Baffled for as many reasons as there exists many realities. The human animal is so unique and strangely true. Try remembering how a single reality is never possible, knowing a single reason is never the truth. In  reality we have no place giving advice on how to think.To substantiate this reality you need only one tool. 

The tool is passing open windows and even looking in!  This mighty power to heal is available to all.  We will never be capable of fully grasping our human potential so be accepting of that. Acceptance, so that we begin to take it easier on ourselves and fellow humans. After all every time we humans feel we finally have it sussed Bl@mM0! Life throw's a curve ball, oftentimes  we mistakenly beat ourselves  wishing we made better choices. Life can be  immensely painful and with no rule book we can only try minute to minute.   

Wait, we have no time or energy to waste on self inflicting guilt or misery! How can we end our self- loathing stop  masquerading it as 'sarcasm' or 'humour? 'Choosing to experience a life without fear and guilt is very powerful. Dajo  does not accept guilt or anger as reasonable, this way we stretch our own boundaries, not limit  by outdated  guilt trips.  An example of this would be if Dave cancelled out of Cirque Du Soliel or I cancel on his home cooking. ( last minute included)  there is no name calling, no degrading (we can do that anytime, lol!)  These kinds of friends are rare but don't need to be. 

Most of us would like to leave behind more than a carbon footprint, more like an indent; of ourselves. An indent I envision like the scoring of a trees bark.  carved into tree you are a record and reminder. Reminding me that we often take away to create. But what of the fibrous remains sculpted out?Its husky fiber drops to the ground it will wither away. Much like the carving we also want to leave something behind,don't we?   Growth through disintegration while you sharing your hearts secrets: giving order to the past finally blowing it up!!

Recognize Them As Yourself

Some will like us and some will not, some will even love us, whether we do or not. The reasons are as varied as the people we meet, love and connect with in this life. Each one of us is so unique yet similar in nature; what a beautiful world it could and would be when we remember to seal each day with some love. We can start with as little as saying hello to someone new, taking a moment to really notice all the people and faces you see in your world. Begin to recognize these faces as yourself, if that is too difficult think about them as your family, friends or lover's. Try this the next time you find yourself at the checkout stand, when you notice an overweight person or a leather clad biker; any person with a noticeable difference from yourself, look to them as if they are you, they are the people you love. Practicing this daily or when ever you can make the time will enhance the human heart and like any lesson when practiced, you learn. The Beatles said,"I am you, and you are me, and we are all together, come together right now."  

Living With Edgar's dying

The moment I started working at Joe's was the moment Edgar took me under his wing and watched out for me. Edgar had an hugely endearing ability to make me laugh which was priceless. No matter how stressful a situation he could always find away to just laugh at it. He protected me like a little sister and opened up with me like a best friend. It was amazing how instantaneous it all occurred. One of those rare and blessed events where you feel that instant kinship, kind of like love... it can be quite scary. Friendship for me would never be the same again. Life would never be the same again.

Edgar was beautiful in every sense of the word, from Puerto Rico  his blond hair unique and his blue eyes ignited a gorgeous spark. A spark so intense you could feel electricity from him surely Edgar loved being alive. It was a quality we shared although my love for life would only grow after all we shared.To be honest I did not have a lot of exposure to the gay community since Las Vegas is a really  cowboy redneck kinda town. None of this really mattered what did was love, good love and hey we only have two choices given to us boy or girl.


Daily work routine often included Edgar noticing a cute guy behind the pantry counter top, happily playing or flirting."Ha-day, oh Ha-day!" (Spanish pronunciation, like "Jesus")  "Haday, chew know dat cute guy, right dare (pointing at a guest in my section)- he is fabulous!" next he put a plate in front of me and saying "dis peice of cheesecake is for heem!" I would next venture fourth with my cheesecake or whatever sweet treat to comp my guest, and by the end of the night raking in the bucks I felt very content inside myself since I had just relocated from a difficult situation and there where 3 three of us,a huge change and I was completely and successfully independent, it would be okay, course- I knew that, lol. 

My brain clearly sees his face even if I do not have a photo of him.   I can clearly hear his voice still and the  Ricky Ricardo accent making me smile. He loved to talk about sex, and I loved that about him and anyone who enjoys life while not taking it serious. So many people have such a hang ups about sex, not Edgar! He would tell me his tales of life- love entanglements. Things that I did not actually do invariably where vicariously lived out through my sweet Edgar.I was living in the Richmond District of San Fransisco which is located directly north of Golden Gate park. Like any big city it can be scary and intimidating. Although I have a pretty fearless outlook on life, I was not in my own element and therefore needed to heed some caution.

Edgar, my true friend would even loyally escort me home each night. The walk entailed passing through San Fransisco's famed  Tenderloin district.  with Edgar's final destination being Oakland it took a whopping 3 more buses followed by a Bart, both ways. As you can imagine with all the time we spent together a very strong friendship pretty fast. We continued to bond like great friends do, we shared our hopes and our fears, we shared sad and tragic parts of our lives, we shared things I once preferred stay a secret, he was my best friend. He was definitely my gay husband! No matter what else could happen I knew that every night after work he would escort me home. 

Inevitably I had to move to Seattle  had being the operative word here. I loved San Fransisco and hated to leave, only their was no choice. (That is another story of child custody and abduction.) So, I moved to Bellevue, Washington to take care of an epic situation. Amidst all of this the O.J. Simpson trial was constantly playing in the background. I found some time to call Edgar one Sunday afternoon to see how he was doing. When he answered the phone he was amazed to hear I was calling of my own volition. Edgar explained that he called 2 days earlier, and it turned out my son had forgotten to tell me. 

As soon as he spoke, I could tell something was wrong how wrong I could never have envisioned. He first began by sharing his choice to call was important that everyone he needed to contact, he would contact this day and that some things he needed to say today. Whoa, this was serious. "Ha-day" he said "I wanted to let you know I went to the doctor's office and I found out I have this AIDS thingy-choo you know?" his voice was raspy, gentle. I could not speak, I did not know how to. He continued saying "and you know that means I am going to die." I searched for my brain's portrayal of the English language, searching for words to say. What do I say? 

Spilling out of nowhere words clearly gushed out "Edgar, I could  fly down to see you, anytime, I could fly out soon?" (because I love you and I can not imagine going into the next moment without hearing you) What Edgar said next took me by surprise,"My Ha-day why do you want to see me?" his voice sounded incredulous words stammering out "I whood  dat I wish dat I cood see choo," he continued in his sweet gentle voice, no longer sounding incredulous, "I whood wanchoo too, but I would not have hasked

choo to."  That broke my heart and still does.

His voice lowered to a bare whisper I still recall saying, "choo know I yav lost mucho weight si, mucho hair eaze gone now, I am not dee Edgar choo once knew"I couldn't believe what he was saying my heart unable to comprehend it. It seemed that while I could not imagine not being able to see him he could not imagine why I would want to. Edgar was  genuinely confused  "I can fly out this weekend." that blunt insistence and soon my life would begin to grow in leaps and bounds. 

Kahlil Gibran/On Love

Kahlil Gibran 

On Love/From The Prophet

From The Prophet

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast. All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Never Black or White

I try to remember not to fall into the pattern of behavior that is automatic and habitual, remembering how different we all are, trying to remember to be me. The me I have become not necessarily based out of life's experiences and what was taught to me. For although life's experiences teaches us lessons it also can teach us intolerance, hatred and steadfast beliefs now outdated based in what our parents and teachers as well as our environment , for better or for worse. The majority of children naturally develop the first belief system as mirrored by their parents, adolescence happens and healthy rebellion usually takes place, with that an almost certainty to go against the parents no matter how good intentioned or well balanced the lessons. For example my mom was a amongst many things a cop- say no more- I was a handful. Whether running away , shop lifting or hijacking my best girlfriends parents truck and driving to know where it happened. It was not as simple as to defy my mom, two sides, remember? The most amazing part is when you see the two conjoin as one. I stole because I was hungry, my mom an avid gambler- food was not the focal point. I suppose I should say that is not a justification, but honestly I can't or won't. One could assume "that girl is trouble, a real punk kid" many a parent I am sure did feel that way, not letting their kids hang around me believing I would steal from them. I would not nor did not ever steal from people. Whereas on the other hand they could rest assured that their child did not get busted for petty shoplifting and alas they raised them right, all the while never knowing their kids stole from their friends for kicks. So, who is right and who is wrong? When they become adults, responsible for themselves would they continue to steal out of pleasure or confidence in the abilities learned or realize that need outdated and not necessary for survival?Working with people with mental disorders is already teaching and refreshing my ideas a great deal. For example I learned that a characteristic of a borderline personality is seeing things as black and white only. I myself have displayed this trait many times until one day grasping and learning how unrealistic and narrow it is, so limiting and limiting you. The difference seems simple yet insurmountable. You cannot change the way they think- although reasonably I know it has happened. Than again it could have been a misdiagnosis derived from environment and experiences the shrink may either not know or did not grasp. All is fallible. Schizophrenia and schizo affective disorder is all together different, characteristics of this are delusion, hallucinations, voices in your head controlling you as well as extreme paranoia and jumbled disorganized speech patterns. If I where to flip the coin ( and this is always possible) Perhaps someone could be experiencing a divine intervention, talking to god- communications we are not ready to fathom. However this glamorous possibility is not a realistic scenario. The schizophrenic commonly feels CIA FBI or other abbreviations are following them, bugging them, filming them perhaps growing inside of them, inescapable. Can you imagine all through history and currently the judgments and misconceptions that have been placed on them? You are possessed, a demon- hand in hand with the devil, belittled, demonized and treated cruelly usually in the form of religious zealotry, perhaps even you dear reader. How long will this world choose to judge, see in black and white, never desiring to look deeper- convinced their way is correct? Sadly it seems as long as the world keeps revolving- some things will never change as long as people continue to spew and breed racism, hate, and cruelty in the name of god. To change the world would take a Herculean paradigm shift. The blessing, astounding and beautiful is we have the power to begin to change ourselves, the human animal. We are amazing and tragic. We can choose. It is a power to not be corrupted any longer, it is inherent, within all of us.The paradigm shift begins with tolerance, empathy and understanding of that which we do not and cannot begin to understand.