My teenage pregnancy Time2 as per req..

Well hello again, I wrote part two earlier, unfortunately I did not note pad it and it vanished. All for a reason I like to believe.So, continuing on with my tale of life growing up and sharing highlights,or low lights, ahem...I want to make clear I understand we all have experienced difficulties and things that have stepped out of left field into the middle of our path I mean of course for these are the things that develop us into the human beings that we are, how we deal with these things is what brings our characters into shape.So, please do not think I am whining or complaining for I certainly am not, as a matter of fact I would not change any of these life lessons. So, where I left off was my sister came home with her bundle of joy.Well, lets see I guess forgot to tell you one of the tell tale signs my mom gambled as a kid, but never put together before, when we arrived in Las Vegas I had about 150 dollars I had walked door to door, collecting money for Jerry's kids with m.s. I was 10, it was in Monterey and it was the first charitable thing I ever did, it felt great to think I could help. Upon arrival to Las Vegas I needed to locate my big blue piggy bank, where I stored the money before I would turn it into a cashiers check and mail it to the organization. Well, I searched and I searched and finally asked my mom if she saw it in the boxes, to this she exclaimed " I needed it to buy groceries" sure that's [possible I guess, she swore she would pay it back, of course she never has. There was also my solid 925 silver flute that my step dad the sergeant major bought me, I was first chair in school band and came home one day to practice, searching feverishly, my mom's boyfriend came up to me and asked what this young lady was doing, looking for my flute..." If I did not pawn your flute there would be no dinner on the table!' he yelled and turned red, funny there was no dinner on the table.Alas my mom was hired to do undercover work, playing cards at tables in casinos to bust the bad guys, this job only made our fate more predetermined as it added fuel to her raging gambling fire. Sad thing is, I can relate to addictions in my youth I had addictive qualities, I soon got over as I do not like anything to control me except me.Course that's just me and we are all different animals.I remember being 13 arriving in Vegas never having heard curse words to hanging out with 7th graders after school and bonging lighter fluid for thrills, funny I have any brain cells left, luck I guess, leave it in the lap of the gods.My stories theme is that of realizing your own mortality, you never know how it may happen for you, at one point I picked up my mom's 9mm and put it in my mouth and played Russian roulette, did that do it? NO.  What did do it was (and I DO NOT recommend this) is accidentally getting pregnant at 15, my mom did not notice till I was 8 months (not around a lot) sure kids at school knew one even one recommended I go to LDS and have the Mormons adopt it. I went as far as to go to a LDS doctor appointment, where I heard the heart beat, I would not sign the papers, took them home and that night he kicked for the very first time. (some of this is out of order) alas, a little glimmer of mortality, just a sparkle, it was too crazy a time to fully appreciate it, with my mom threatening to kill me and being told what a disappointment I was- and the fact I had been promiscuous, not good.Than the day came I got into an argument with the 'father' and took a walk, next thing I am in labour, well mom was not around as usual so my neighbours Billy and his wife, whose name escapes me right now, took me. SCARY, they hated me, another teen pregnancy with no money, no care, no doctor ect. One nurse offered me 50,000 for my baby, 


not even a slight temptation. The next thing I hear is the nurses yelling "S**** baby up for adoption" no, I cried.Well, baby's daddy did not come as he did not want to see me in pain, lucky him, it hurt less for me since he did not have to experience it.So, no epidural, I felt each tear and cut, agony, I could not breathe, he was a blue baby, but he was and is, alive!Here's the first time I did it, I felt my own mortality and how short life is and how I wanted to be in it, it happened like this...After Tom was born I heard him scream,I flat blacked out. I awoke in a puke green room at Southern Nevada hospital in a wing in the basement, very Wes Craven like I sat up, boobs, sore and 6 cup size's larger, wait- no time to think of that, a nurse came in pushing my baby in a rolling cart thing and said 'its a boy.' (no exclamation on purpose as she was monotone and could care less) I arose tears in my eyes, looked into his cart and saw his beautiful face, furry black hair and Hawaiian features. He was the most beautiful thing ever, all my fears I would not know what to do disappeared as all I felt was an overwhelming love like I never knew even existed.Mortality, I did not want to ever die, I would care for this child, love him and raise him the best I could he would not be hungry, he would be a source of joy, enlightenment and annoyance!!
I would next be told by my mom to get married I told her, no and that all teen marriages don't work, anti marriage I was, still not a fan of it, well when gays and straights can get married legally I will be happier.
Alas I moved in with this man at 16 and would be beaten by him for the next three years. He never hit my child, no he worshiped him, just not his mom, but hey, I was 16 he 18, I forgive all, and I have moved on.
So, that was part of the awakening, the reason I would not take any of it back, including the beatings? When I moved out on my own at 19, I knew NO man, or person would ever hurt me again hit me or make me feel endangered, I would become a strong island woman. 
That was a lesson I was lucky to learn that young many women are being abused everyday, and they are stuck and don't know what to do, many older and who feel stuck, being with out a career or education- I understand and that is why from volunteering with terminally ill people I know turn my volunteer work to women and teens in crisis, will it bring up memories? Yes, but that is a necessary part of growth and a tool that can be shared.The people you meet when volunteering in any capacity can give you that sunrise of your own mortality, how beautiful is this?
Life is beautiful in all of its utter unpredictability. For all that clutters you makes you hard, live in a such a way that each moment you are free from the past moment, without forgetting the knowledge you hath gleaned.
Live this moment as totally as possible and suddenly you will come to realize that if you lived it totally, it is solved. There is no need to solve it,life is not a problem to be solved, it is a mystery to be lived.